Feliz Cinco de Mayo

No puedo hablar espanol.

OH NO!

Charlotte is under attack!

By....

EVIL TIGER!!!!

(Thanks Charlotte Observer)






Tiger Woods is in Charlotte for the Quail Hollow Championship.  Its some sort of golf tournament that is so good the sponsor pays to not have their name attached to it.  Seriously.  But, something terrible has happened to Mr. Woods.  Some goateed bastard has taken him over.  Chaos will rule.  Hide your children.  I'm not hackneyed enough to make a sex joke.

Kitty Report

THAT WAS THE GREATEST WEEKEND EVER FOR THE KITTIES!

Well, except for the Mikecats (I call them Mikecats because, they're the Bobcats named after former owner Bob Johnson and now Michael "my roommate is a douche" Jordan, its clever).

I am talking about the Panthers.  They finally drafted a quarterback that is the answer to all of their problems.  No, not this guy (Rudy unavailable?).  Or this guy.

I mean a legend.

This guy.

Armanti is legend.  He was drafted as a wide receiver.  He'll probably see most of his snaps there.  But, the Panthers have a football player.  A damn good football player.

And a new fan.

Don't Laugh

We've all been there...

The Chaos of Clayton

Today is Friday.  That means you are currently being saturated with cheesy weekend lines.  I am sorry about.  Your friends should have more fun during the week.  Personally, I hate weekends.  Sleeping in, drinking, enjoying outdoors, annoying friends...it all sucks.  I would much rather tether myself to a desk and perform menial tasks.  I know you agree.  Did you know the word menial is made up?  It doesn't mean anything.  Other made up words include farm, sweet potato, and duty.

Hahahaha...duty.

So, you're probably wondering why this is being written.  The history of the French Revolution makes for horrible books and movies.  I've read Les Miserables and watched Marie Antoinette.  They both suck.  Pretty sure I spelled all of that correctly but, I wish I didn't.  Just to stick to both the book and the movie.  Like I said, they're bad.

Seventy-eight percent of Americans do not know the proper times to use you they're, there, and their.  Sixty-two percent of all stats are made up on the spot.  But, if you say any number with enough vigor, people will buy whatever you say as fact.

That does not work if you are trying to score with a lady.

Women see through your nonsense.  Unless you are hot, rich, and smooth.  That's why women are less shadow than men.  I'm not saying they're not shallow.  They most definitely are.  But, you have to hit those three shallow nuggets to become attractive to women.  You only need the first to work for a man.

Its science.

I stole the previous sentence from Anchorman.  People should cite what they write.  Every professor I have ever had screamed that at me.  The problem with citing things, is rarely do people actually have an orginal thought.  Even when you think you do, you probably heard it in your sleep or something.

That osmosis thing doesn't work.  Ask any man that sleeps next to a woman if he knows anything about her.  So, why do you think putting a book in your pillow will do anything?  Does anybody know how to make pillows maintain their fluffiness.  My pillow is flat.  Fried eggs.  I don't expect everybody to get that reference.  You see, "fried eggs" is slang for small breasts.  Small breasts are often referred to as, "flat."  I do not think this is a positive message to send our young women.  But, its the world in which we live.

Awesome

Somebody went and wrote a song for me...

This is Why They Hot...Meghan McCain

Sometimes, you have to explain yourself.  Sometimes, you have to explain society.  People often question the validity of a celebrity's fame.  This includes, but is not limited to:  reality television stars; family of actual famous people; and digital media stars.  I have taken it upon myself to explain just exactly why these people matter.

Today...

Meghan McCain.

The last name should be familar to you.  She is the daughter of Arizona Senator and former Presidential candidate John McCain.  She may not make the tabloids like Bristol Palin but, she should.

If you follow politics, you know that her mother is the heiress of a beer distribution fortune.

Her father is a Senator.

Her mother has beer.

Do you realize how much trouble one can get into and then out of, with that kind of access?

Not to mention, her father lost.  Nobody cares what she does while the Obama daughters are dreaming about one of the Jonas Brothers.

Oh...there are those other two things you may have noticed in the picture.

I don't Get It...Twilight

Well, first of all, vampires are lame.  Twilight makes it worse.  But, what I really don't get is why it seems like everybody is chasing after this person.

I just don't see it.

Kitty Report

Goodbye...

Jakey Jake



Julius



Oh yeah.  Pretty much everybody else.

For reals.  At this point don't expect a spectacular NFL season.

Did You Know I'm on This Horse?

I've reached a point of no return.  Now, I only purchase products based off of the commercials.  As a matter of fact, I never knew what Etrade was but, I got rid of that crap when I saw their new baby.  Apparently, I'm a homer of Lindsey Lohan.

But, I do buy Old Spice!




They didn't pay me.  But, they should.

Remix the Tiger

Most people have heard this one.

We may have something better...



Remix good!

Not Not the News V

This is America.  If you don't like bacon, why don't you get the hell out?

Butter face.  There.  I said it.

If you put their name in the article, it doesn't work.

A little over the top.  Come on dude, this is North Carolina.


Call every Canadian you know "Junior."  We beat them at the only thing they can do.

Good work if you can get it.

Staged? Kevin Smith

Clayton is cynical.  He rarely believes what he sees.  Actually, that is not true.  His cynicism is random.  Most of the time he can be duped into anything but, sometimes something catches his eye.

Today...

Kevin Smith on a plane.

Kevin Smith is a fat director of movies.  Kevin Smith has a movie coming out this weekend.



Last week Kevin Smith was involved in a Twitter controversy (Twitroversy?).  Apparently, he was on an airplane.  Then, he was told to get off because, he was fat.  He tweeted about it and the airline tweeted back.  Then, a bunch of people with cameras interviewed people about it.

When the dust settled, Kevin Smith had gained a ton of publicity the week before his movie debuted in theaters.

How convienent.

Staged? Tiger Woods

Clayton is cynical.  He rarely believes what he sees.  Actually, that is not true.  His cynicism is random.  Most of the time he can be duped into anything but, sometimes something catches his eye.

Today...

Tiger Woods' public statement.

It was made at the Accenture Match Play Championship.

One of Tiger's biggest sponsors?

Accenture.

If you can't do that math, you are a moron.

Not Not the News V

The Winter Olympics are happening.  These guys have my favorite coverage.

This sucks yall.  No seriously, I will give somebody 100 dollars if they explain why this actually exists.

He's still the best golfer in the world.  That's the only legitimate reason to pay attention to him.


Moving forward.  Even when you planned on stopping.

My friends are boring.  Why do I need more proof?

Tweetattite for Destruction?  Sorry, I couldn't think of anything good.

Legendary.  Now if only we could do something about that curling team.

Staged? Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin used to be the Governor of Alaska.  She also was a Vice-Presidential candidate in 2008.  But, this is really why you remember her.

Yeah.  She's hot.  That is why you know her name.

Besides being hot, Palin is known for being outraged for random reasons.  Particularly, her son.  Now, her son has down syndrome (he really does), so one understands why she may be a little sensitive on the issue.

Her colleagues (yes, they work for the same company) over at Family Guy made a reference to down syndrome and a former governor of Alaska (do the math).



She's mad.  On television and Facebook.  Is she mad in private?  Maybe a little.  But, let's face it.  This is a publicity move for her and her company.  Increased rating and exposure for everybody!

Not Not the News IV

If you want a shout out from me, diss Bono.


Country music can be good.  If you hear it on the radio, it probably sucks.

It is his only shot at the Super Bowl, let him have it (yes, I am holding back).


These dudes caught CBS.  Seriously.

Big week for gay people.


Maybe the Globetrotters will stop by.  It won't matter though, Gilligan will screw it up.


Haha!  Turkeys.

Staged? PETA

Groundhog Day is every February 2nd.  That is not what this is about.  I do hate the Groundhog Day but, still.  Not the point of the post.

This is about PETA.


PETA has taken issue with the treatment of Punxsutawney Phil (that's the name of the Groundhog).  They explain why they take issue with this particular celebrations of rodents and weather.

 

PETA says that Phil is forced to be on display year round at the local library and is denied the ability to prepare for and enter yearly hibernation. Add to that the displeasure of large, screaming crowds, flashing lights of cameras, and human handling. If Punxsutawney frees Phil, then the bitter winter that's made him into an unwilling media attraction will end, making way for a sunny spring that everyone can enjoy, reports PETA.

You may even think that this crazy groundhog is mistreated.  That's fine.  Whatever you like.

But, this can't possibly be the most important use of an animal lover's time.  At its best, its fodder for every talk show and comedian in the land.

That's it.  PETA was placed into our laps for humor.

Think about it.

Everything PETA does is a stitch.  From throwing fake blood onto fur coats (so more animals can be killed to make replacements) to comparing treatment of animals to the Holocaust (I can't think of anything ironic about that), PETA is at the forefront at ridiculous advocacy.

Can somebody track who donates the funds for PETA?

My guess is a billionare hunter.  Perhaps this guy.

Billionaire Ted probably gets bored.

McDonald's

One day, I may do a "This is Why They Hot" about Taylor Swift.  Today is not that day.

I am here to tell you that Taylor Swift is the McDonald's of music.

Last night, the young "country" singer won four Grammys.  A very impressive feat.  Many, however, do not understand why.  Few people claim that Swift is "horrible" but, few can point to what makes her "spectacular."  She can sing a little, has the ability to play the guitar, and writes basic songs.

There is nothing difficult about Taylor Swift.  She is easy to find.  You can hear her on both country and pop radio stations, she's touring, and all over your television.  She sells tons of albums (or downloads or whatever the kids are doing these days).  Nothing is difficult about Taylor Swift.

Just like McDonald's.

You may prefer Jimi Hendrix, Diana Ross, The Doors, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Led Zeppelin, Queen, the Grateful Dead, or the Who (all have no Grammys) but, they are more like a local diner or tailgate party burger.  They require more work.  You may have to drive long distances, learn to appreciate, and put forth a lot of effort to enjoy them.  Not so with McDonald's.  Not so with Taylor Swift.

They are easy.

That's why they sell burgers.

That's why they win Grammy's.

Hard Hitting Questions

Most people are scared to ask the tough questions.  Not me.  When I see that America needs to know about an issue, I dig.  Which brings me to this.



Why is he wearing a cowboy hat?