Feliz Cinco de Mayo

No puedo hablar espanol.

OH NO!

Charlotte is under attack!

By....

EVIL TIGER!!!!

(Thanks Charlotte Observer)






Tiger Woods is in Charlotte for the Quail Hollow Championship.  Its some sort of golf tournament that is so good the sponsor pays to not have their name attached to it.  Seriously.  But, something terrible has happened to Mr. Woods.  Some goateed bastard has taken him over.  Chaos will rule.  Hide your children.  I'm not hackneyed enough to make a sex joke.

Kitty Report

THAT WAS THE GREATEST WEEKEND EVER FOR THE KITTIES!

Well, except for the Mikecats (I call them Mikecats because, they're the Bobcats named after former owner Bob Johnson and now Michael "my roommate is a douche" Jordan, its clever).

I am talking about the Panthers.  They finally drafted a quarterback that is the answer to all of their problems.  No, not this guy (Rudy unavailable?).  Or this guy.

I mean a legend.

This guy.

Armanti is legend.  He was drafted as a wide receiver.  He'll probably see most of his snaps there.  But, the Panthers have a football player.  A damn good football player.

And a new fan.

Don't Laugh

We've all been there...

The Chaos of Clayton

Today is Friday.  That means you are currently being saturated with cheesy weekend lines.  I am sorry about.  Your friends should have more fun during the week.  Personally, I hate weekends.  Sleeping in, drinking, enjoying outdoors, annoying friends...it all sucks.  I would much rather tether myself to a desk and perform menial tasks.  I know you agree.  Did you know the word menial is made up?  It doesn't mean anything.  Other made up words include farm, sweet potato, and duty.

Hahahaha...duty.

So, you're probably wondering why this is being written.  The history of the French Revolution makes for horrible books and movies.  I've read Les Miserables and watched Marie Antoinette.  They both suck.  Pretty sure I spelled all of that correctly but, I wish I didn't.  Just to stick to both the book and the movie.  Like I said, they're bad.

Seventy-eight percent of Americans do not know the proper times to use you they're, there, and their.  Sixty-two percent of all stats are made up on the spot.  But, if you say any number with enough vigor, people will buy whatever you say as fact.

That does not work if you are trying to score with a lady.

Women see through your nonsense.  Unless you are hot, rich, and smooth.  That's why women are less shadow than men.  I'm not saying they're not shallow.  They most definitely are.  But, you have to hit those three shallow nuggets to become attractive to women.  You only need the first to work for a man.

Its science.

I stole the previous sentence from Anchorman.  People should cite what they write.  Every professor I have ever had screamed that at me.  The problem with citing things, is rarely do people actually have an orginal thought.  Even when you think you do, you probably heard it in your sleep or something.

That osmosis thing doesn't work.  Ask any man that sleeps next to a woman if he knows anything about her.  So, why do you think putting a book in your pillow will do anything?  Does anybody know how to make pillows maintain their fluffiness.  My pillow is flat.  Fried eggs.  I don't expect everybody to get that reference.  You see, "fried eggs" is slang for small breasts.  Small breasts are often referred to as, "flat."  I do not think this is a positive message to send our young women.  But, its the world in which we live.

Awesome

Somebody went and wrote a song for me...

This is Why They Hot...Meghan McCain

Sometimes, you have to explain yourself.  Sometimes, you have to explain society.  People often question the validity of a celebrity's fame.  This includes, but is not limited to:  reality television stars; family of actual famous people; and digital media stars.  I have taken it upon myself to explain just exactly why these people matter.

Today...

Meghan McCain.

The last name should be familar to you.  She is the daughter of Arizona Senator and former Presidential candidate John McCain.  She may not make the tabloids like Bristol Palin but, she should.

If you follow politics, you know that her mother is the heiress of a beer distribution fortune.

Her father is a Senator.

Her mother has beer.

Do you realize how much trouble one can get into and then out of, with that kind of access?

Not to mention, her father lost.  Nobody cares what she does while the Obama daughters are dreaming about one of the Jonas Brothers.

Oh...there are those other two things you may have noticed in the picture.

I don't Get It...Twilight

Well, first of all, vampires are lame.  Twilight makes it worse.  But, what I really don't get is why it seems like everybody is chasing after this person.

I just don't see it.

Kitty Report

Goodbye...

Jakey Jake



Julius



Oh yeah.  Pretty much everybody else.

For reals.  At this point don't expect a spectacular NFL season.

Did You Know I'm on This Horse?

I've reached a point of no return.  Now, I only purchase products based off of the commercials.  As a matter of fact, I never knew what Etrade was but, I got rid of that crap when I saw their new baby.  Apparently, I'm a homer of Lindsey Lohan.

But, I do buy Old Spice!




They didn't pay me.  But, they should.

Remix the Tiger

Most people have heard this one.

We may have something better...



Remix good!

Not Not the News V

This is America.  If you don't like bacon, why don't you get the hell out?

Butter face.  There.  I said it.

If you put their name in the article, it doesn't work.

A little over the top.  Come on dude, this is North Carolina.


Call every Canadian you know "Junior."  We beat them at the only thing they can do.

Good work if you can get it.

Staged? Kevin Smith

Clayton is cynical.  He rarely believes what he sees.  Actually, that is not true.  His cynicism is random.  Most of the time he can be duped into anything but, sometimes something catches his eye.

Today...

Kevin Smith on a plane.

Kevin Smith is a fat director of movies.  Kevin Smith has a movie coming out this weekend.



Last week Kevin Smith was involved in a Twitter controversy (Twitroversy?).  Apparently, he was on an airplane.  Then, he was told to get off because, he was fat.  He tweeted about it and the airline tweeted back.  Then, a bunch of people with cameras interviewed people about it.

When the dust settled, Kevin Smith had gained a ton of publicity the week before his movie debuted in theaters.

How convienent.

Staged? Tiger Woods

Clayton is cynical.  He rarely believes what he sees.  Actually, that is not true.  His cynicism is random.  Most of the time he can be duped into anything but, sometimes something catches his eye.

Today...

Tiger Woods' public statement.

It was made at the Accenture Match Play Championship.

One of Tiger's biggest sponsors?

Accenture.

If you can't do that math, you are a moron.

Not Not the News V

The Winter Olympics are happening.  These guys have my favorite coverage.

This sucks yall.  No seriously, I will give somebody 100 dollars if they explain why this actually exists.

He's still the best golfer in the world.  That's the only legitimate reason to pay attention to him.


Moving forward.  Even when you planned on stopping.

My friends are boring.  Why do I need more proof?

Tweetattite for Destruction?  Sorry, I couldn't think of anything good.

Legendary.  Now if only we could do something about that curling team.

Staged? Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin used to be the Governor of Alaska.  She also was a Vice-Presidential candidate in 2008.  But, this is really why you remember her.

Yeah.  She's hot.  That is why you know her name.

Besides being hot, Palin is known for being outraged for random reasons.  Particularly, her son.  Now, her son has down syndrome (he really does), so one understands why she may be a little sensitive on the issue.

Her colleagues (yes, they work for the same company) over at Family Guy made a reference to down syndrome and a former governor of Alaska (do the math).



She's mad.  On television and Facebook.  Is she mad in private?  Maybe a little.  But, let's face it.  This is a publicity move for her and her company.  Increased rating and exposure for everybody!

Not Not the News IV

If you want a shout out from me, diss Bono.


Country music can be good.  If you hear it on the radio, it probably sucks.

It is his only shot at the Super Bowl, let him have it (yes, I am holding back).


These dudes caught CBS.  Seriously.

Big week for gay people.


Maybe the Globetrotters will stop by.  It won't matter though, Gilligan will screw it up.


Haha!  Turkeys.

Staged? PETA

Groundhog Day is every February 2nd.  That is not what this is about.  I do hate the Groundhog Day but, still.  Not the point of the post.

This is about PETA.


PETA has taken issue with the treatment of Punxsutawney Phil (that's the name of the Groundhog).  They explain why they take issue with this particular celebrations of rodents and weather.

 

PETA says that Phil is forced to be on display year round at the local library and is denied the ability to prepare for and enter yearly hibernation. Add to that the displeasure of large, screaming crowds, flashing lights of cameras, and human handling. If Punxsutawney frees Phil, then the bitter winter that's made him into an unwilling media attraction will end, making way for a sunny spring that everyone can enjoy, reports PETA.

You may even think that this crazy groundhog is mistreated.  That's fine.  Whatever you like.

But, this can't possibly be the most important use of an animal lover's time.  At its best, its fodder for every talk show and comedian in the land.

That's it.  PETA was placed into our laps for humor.

Think about it.

Everything PETA does is a stitch.  From throwing fake blood onto fur coats (so more animals can be killed to make replacements) to comparing treatment of animals to the Holocaust (I can't think of anything ironic about that), PETA is at the forefront at ridiculous advocacy.

Can somebody track who donates the funds for PETA?

My guess is a billionare hunter.  Perhaps this guy.

Billionaire Ted probably gets bored.

McDonald's

One day, I may do a "This is Why They Hot" about Taylor Swift.  Today is not that day.

I am here to tell you that Taylor Swift is the McDonald's of music.

Last night, the young "country" singer won four Grammys.  A very impressive feat.  Many, however, do not understand why.  Few people claim that Swift is "horrible" but, few can point to what makes her "spectacular."  She can sing a little, has the ability to play the guitar, and writes basic songs.

There is nothing difficult about Taylor Swift.  She is easy to find.  You can hear her on both country and pop radio stations, she's touring, and all over your television.  She sells tons of albums (or downloads or whatever the kids are doing these days).  Nothing is difficult about Taylor Swift.

Just like McDonald's.

You may prefer Jimi Hendrix, Diana Ross, The Doors, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Led Zeppelin, Queen, the Grateful Dead, or the Who (all have no Grammys) but, they are more like a local diner or tailgate party burger.  They require more work.  You may have to drive long distances, learn to appreciate, and put forth a lot of effort to enjoy them.  Not so with McDonald's.  Not so with Taylor Swift.

They are easy.

That's why they sell burgers.

That's why they win Grammy's.

Hard Hitting Questions

Most people are scared to ask the tough questions.  Not me.  When I see that America needs to know about an issue, I dig.  Which brings me to this.



Why is he wearing a cowboy hat?

The NEW State of the Union Drinking Game

The State of the Union is tonight.

According to the United States Constitution, the president is supposed to do this.  From Article II, Section 3:

"He shall from time to time give to the Congress information of the state of the union, and recommend to their consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient."

Glossing over the fact that this clause proves that Hillary Clinton can never be president, this became the annual "State of the Union" because, it is what George Washington did.

Most major networks broadcast the speech (Don't worry, its starting at 9 so you won't miss your American Idol).  If you wish to view something else at this time, you're SOL.  But, that does not mean it cannot be fun.

Sure, the State of the Union has become a parade of random applause for no apparent reason but, there is something there for the little man.  You see, each president repeats certain words consisently throughout their speech.  The New York Times provides proof with George Bush's State of the Unions.

We have a new president now.  That means a new drinking game.  In the past, people have taken words like "terror", "freedom", and "victory" and used them to slosh themselves.  You could pick specific Obama words but, I want to give you an alternative.

1.  Take a shot every time Vice President Joe Biden pulls out his Game Boy.

2.  Drink when the camera cuts away to somebody that looks angry.

3.  Drink for the duration of any laughter.

4.  Shotgun a beer when Senator John McCain falls asleep.

5.  Drink whenever he mentions a person, country, or issue that you know nothing about.  This will teach you to learn.

6.  Designate one person to drink only when there is applause.  Make wagers on how many beers this person drinks.  Loser streaks around the house singing the Star Spangled Banner.

7.  If VP Joe stands up and claps when he is not supposed to, last person to touch their nose bongs a beer.

8.  If you personally stand up to applaud, and nobody joins you, drink until the next round of applause.

9.  If you stand up to applaud, and the majority of your friends stand with you, the minority must drink.

10.  If you are a heavyweight and are not sloshed when the speech is over, watch the "postgame" coverage.  Pull out the beer or liqour that you has been in your house or apartment for the longest period of time and pick a side, pro or con.  If you are on the pro side, drink whenever somebody claims that Obama made a "good" speech.  If you are on the con side, drink whenever somebody claims that Obama made a "bad" speech.  If you want to end your night quickly, turn it to Fox News and choose "con" or MSNBC and choose "pro."

Please drink responsibly.

Slippery Slope

Adam Carolla provides us with a lesson on gays in the military.

Not Not the News III

Yes a streetcar.  Is it 1911?

Sure.  Anybody want some ocean front property on Grandfather Mountain?

I really don't get it.  Those blue people have nothing on the smurfs.

Whatever excuse you need for sucking.

Will Ferrell stole my bit.  But, I did cry a little.  I love the Coco.

I probably can't legally comment on this story.  The first sentence sends the wrong message.

I have a crush on John McCain's wife and daughter.  There.  I said it.

Staged? Brett Favre

Clayton is cynical.  He rarely believes what he sees.  Actually, that is not true.  His cynicism is random.  Most of the time he can be duped into anything but, sometimes something catches his eye.

Today...

Brett Favre is a clean 40 year old star quarterback.

With a few exceptions, I do not spend a ton of time on the sport blogs.  This may be addressed by somebody before but, I have not heard any of it.  But, I am sitting here watching the Viking and the Saints play in the NFC Championship.  Aikman and Buck are gushing.  But, they are only following in the foot steps of every other member of the mainstream media.

Which, on its surface, is fine.

There is nothing wrong with the excitement surrounding a 40 year old playing at such a high level.

Except, we cannot forget Mark McGwire.  We cannot forget Roger Clemens.  We cannot forget Barry Bonds.

Each player found a surge late in their career.  Each player found the surge with steroid assistance.  Perhaps this is unfair to Favre.  But, the question has to be asked.  How can he play this game?

What adds to my suspicion are his retirements.  The past two years he disappears at the end of the season.  Could this be so can cycle properly onto steroids without the parental eye of the NFL?  Not to mention, steroids create mood swings.  How often have you seen Brett Favre cry?  Makes me want to investigate Tim Tebow while we are at it.

Obviously, I have no proof to any of this.  My only point?

You have to ask the question.

This is Why They Hot...Snooki

Sometimes, you have to explain yourself.  Sometimes, you have to explain society.  People often question the validity of a celebrity's fame.  This includes, but is not limited to:  reality television stars; family of actual famous people; and digital media stars.  I have taken it upon myself to explain just exactly why these people matter.

Today...

Snooki

Chances are, if you are human, you have watched MTV's Jersey Shore.  Now, most pundits rail against its popularity as some sort of sign that our society is ruined.  Not me.  I know why its popular.  Snooki.

Snooki runs about 5 feet even and wears a D cup bra.

Snooki is literally the greatest entertainment in the world and I wish she was my best friend.  Never a dull moment.  Well, never a dull moment if you edit a week of somebody's life into one hour.

Now, if you have ever seen Snooki, you know that she's about 4'5" and fills out a E cup.  The bottom line is we live in Snooki's world.  We should thank Snooki for the opportunity to breathe.

If you do not believe in the power of Snooki, let me point to one scene from the season finale of Jersey Shore.  In the house hot tub, she lands Mike "the Situation."  Viewers of the show know one thing, it is not easy to land "the Situation."  Now, Americans know it would be best to be on the side of Snooki.

If you have not seen Snooki, let me tell you, she's about three feet tall and wears a GG bra.  Snooki earns $7,500 for each night club appearance.  She does not sing, she is not a host, and is no actor.  She possesses no actual talent.  Yet, she can pack a night club.  What more do we need to know?

Snooki is legend.

Oh.

And you are welcome for getting off the multiple birth kick.

Kitty Report

As previously mentioned, the Panthers are not in the playoffs.  This is what one of their best players has decided to do with his time.



Thanks to Rock Hill Herald's Darin Gantt for the link.

Kitty Report

Well, Mark Sanchez ruined this post.

We were very close to a NFC/AFC championship weekend featuring Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Brett Favre, and Phillip Rivers.  But, Sanchez and the Jets snuck into the party.

If you have ever read the Kitty Report before, you know where this is headed.  Quarterbacks are necessary in the NFL.  Great quarterbacks are necessary in the NFL.  If you're Trent Dilfer or Brad Johnson, the only way you win the Super Bowl is with an all-time dominant defense.  Other than that, your quarterback better be able to fling it better than anybody else.

With that being said, Matt Moore is not the answer for the Carolina Panthers.  He could be a good quarterback in the NFL.  But, if you want to win championships, you need a great quarterback.

Bottom line.

The Panthers need to take some chances.  Maybe not Jay Cutler chances but, chances nonetheless.  If the front office has faith in Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy, or Jimmy Clausen, take that chance.  Whoever is available that they believe can be a great quarterback, take that chance.  But, do not look for good.  They need great.  Again.  I know a guy.

In Bobcat news, Stephen Jackson still has not punched a fan in the stands.  Also, they're playing well.  I may have to actually watch a game and develop an opinion.

Staged? Anderson Cooper.

Clayton is cynical.  He rarely believes what he sees.  Actually, that is not true.  His cynicism is random.  Most of the time he can be duped into anything but, sometimes something catches his eye.

Today...

Anderson Cooper saves a Haitian boy.

Perhaps you have already seen the clip.  If you frequent CNN.com, you almost certainly have stumbled upon it.  CNN will tell you and I will remind you.  This video contains graphic images...and Anderon Cooper's pythons.



"Way to pat yourself on the back."

That was my first thought when I saw the link to this story at CNN.  They have devoted an entire section of headlines to this story (which obviously makes sense, it should be and is the biggest story in the world).  The second headline was this story.  Am I to believe that CNN believes that this one act (which is heroic if I am wrong) is the second most important Haiti related story?

Honestly, best case scenario is CNN has jumped at the opportunity to appear as the "network that cares."  Worst case scenario?  The mic up their reporter on the scene, douse a kid in ketchup, and through a crowd of rioters.

Proof?  I have none.  But, watch that video again.  In all that commotion, Cooper is the only person you hear.  Should we really believe that a producer in that chaos had the presence of mind to leave his microphone on.

Really?

Are You Tired of Games that are Fun?

I am happy to report that I gone six days without Farmville.  It is not that addicting as it turns out.

This is Why They Hot...Octomom

Sometimes, you have to explain yourself.  Sometimes, you have to explain society.  People often question the validity of a celebrity's fame.  This includes, but is not limited to:  reality television stars; family of actual famous people; and digital media stars.  I have taken it upon myself to explain just exactly why these people matter.

Today...

Octomom.

You may find Octomom attractive.  She has surgerically altered herself to look like Angelina Jolie.  By the overwhelming majority of accounts, Angelina Jolie is hot.  But, she has by ruined, by Octomom.  Every time I see Angelina Jolie I see the absurd.

It is not human.  Call me a hypocrite for my love of Kate Gosselin but, I have yet to see a similar picture of Mrs Gosselin.  In addition to that, I struggle with plastic surgery.  If you think plastic surgery makes a woman hot, hump a manikin.

Somebody wants to hump Octomom.  That is the only explanation for what you are about to see.  It makes me question my sexuality (From The Superficial).

Help.  If this is woman, I want no part of it.

The Greatest Infomercials of All Time

Probably what I miss the most about being up all hours of the night is the infomercials.  Well, maybe not the most.  Out of activities that can be done in all hours of the night, watching infomercials ranks fairly low.  Below, you will see the top infomercials of all time.  By all time, I mean ones I like because, let's face it, these lists are all about opinion, there is no way to quantify any of this (except through sales, ratings, or votes).

5.  The Big City Slider

Honestly, part of this selection is an homage to the late Billy Mays.  Mr. Mays was the ultimate 15 minutes of fame.  As soon as he actually had fame, he was gone.  The big city slider was probably the most impressive of all his infomercials for the simple fact that nobody ever thought that cooking a burger was impossible.  This is an infomercial classic played perfectly.




4.  The Magic Bullet

It is a one speed blender.  Do you have a blender?  Go look at it.  What do you see?  Multiple settings for speed.  This allows the user to use their blender to perform a variety of tasks to a variety of food products.  The Magic Bullet?  It does everything a blender can do.  Except worse.




3.  Monster Ballads

A food infomercial can mesmorize me.  Normally, because if I am watching infomercials, I am too lazy to accomplish anything, including cooking, going out for food, or even getting up to answer the door for a pizza delivery.  So if I am hungry, I just imagine a tasty smoothie and slider right in front of me.

But, I also like to rock.  Some may even say I am a bad boy.  But, as we all know, "every bad boy has his soft side."  Monster ballads is a compliation album of power ballads.  You can hear legendary hits like, "Every Rose has its Thorn," "Don't Know What You Got (Till its Gone)," and "To be With You."




2 (Tie).  Thighmaster

The only reason that this made the top 5 is because, I believe in physical fitness.  In no way, shape, or form is there another reason.  Any accusation that I chose this video for some sort of deviant purpose would be false and I take such accusations as a personal attack.




2 (Tie).  Total Gym

Chuck Norris.  Wow.  Chuck Norris was only number two.  What could possibly be number one?  Number one must be the most spectacular invention known to man.  Well, I do not know about that.  But, the infomercial is legend.



1.  Girls Gone Wild

Do not look at this from any sort of sexual perspective.  Well, you can but, you do not have to do so.  How many infomercials can become block programming?  If you do not understand what I mean, stay up late tonight.  At some point in the middle of the night, turn your television to Comedy Central.  Stay if you light but, if you have things to do, go ahead.  But, make sure to check back periodically.

Not Not the News II

Good.  Money ruins fine arts.

Nothing is sacred.

I don't get it.  Kill joys.

When Oprah tells me what to do, I want the opposite.

They are picking up where the old ones left off.    I'm just a fan of the voiceover guy.

No ban here?   Apparently, hookah tobacco is never lit.  Who knew?

WHO are you?  I don't know but, I'm still not sick.

Pants on the Ground

Generally, if everybody else freaks out over a random phenomenon, I hate it.  But, I'm trying to be topical.

This is Why They Hot...Kate Gosselin

Sometimes, you have to explain yourself.  Sometimes, you have to explain society.  People often question the validity of a celebrity's fame.  This includes, but is not limited to:  reality television stars; family of actual famous people; and digital media stars.  I have taken it upon myself to explain just exactly why these people matter.

Today...

Kate Gosselin.

Mrs. Gosselin rose to fame through her reality television show on the TLC Network, Jon & Kate Plus 8.  A show featuring Mrs. Gosselin, her husband, and their 8 children.  The show is particularly compelling because, the 8 children are comprised of 2 twins and the other 6 are sextuplets.  In case you did not figure it out on your own, sextuplets means she has six babies at...the...same...time.

With that being said, I cannot comprehend why anybody questions the validity of Kate's celebrity.  Six children at the same time.  Think about that.  Did any of you ever spend any time on a farm?  Have any of your pets ever given birth?  What happens to a pig mother that gives birth to multiple piglets?

That's right.  Multiple breasts.

Check out the rack.

Now, I do not expect any of you to be aroused by this picture (though if you are, I am not here to judge).  But, what is more intriguing than a woman's breasts.  Normally, two is a sufficient number to quench our appetite but, who is not interested in a woman that could possibly have six breasts?

Six!

Breasts!

Now, I have no evidence to prove that Kate Gosselin has six breasts (or even just six nipples).  But, you have no proof to the contrary.  So congratutations Kate Gosselin.  As long as you keep us guessing, we'll keep following you.

Haiti

No frills.  Just do what you can.

http://www.redcross.org/

Kitty Report

The NFL playoffs continue this weekend without the Carolina Panthers for one simple reason.  They were there last year.  These guys do not win in back to back years.

Its science.

There is no reason to over think what the Panthers should do in order to make the playoffs in 2010.  They need improved performance at the quarterback position.  Three quarterbacks threw more interceptions in 2009.  Two rookies and Jay Cutler.  As a team, the Panthers ranked 26th in passing efficiency.  Ten out of the top 13 teams in passing efficiency made the playoffs.

Many may claim that the Panthers are a running team, and they're right.  But, that does not matter in this league anymore.  Only 7 of the top 13 rushing teams are in the playoffs.  The two worst rushing teams, the Colts and Chargers, may be the best teams in the league.

So, tell Mr. Richardson to find a quarterback.  I know a good one.


In Bobcat news...

Stephen Jackson has stayed out of the stands, so I guess they are playing the right way.

Don't Try This at Home. Go Out and do it.

Everyday, 27,419 men believe that a waitress has fallen in love with him.  Flirty serving is a billion dollar industry in this country.  Now, no fancy research or survey institute will take up my cause to help verify these figures.  But, anybody with a lonely friend has seen the personification of this issue.

This nation's economy is in the toilet and I am here to protect my fellow man from this practice.  I get it.  It is quite lovely to feel the desire of a woman (real or imagined).  But, with unemployment up and the stock market down, there has to be a better way.

I am calling on the young pathetic men of this country to take back their hearts.  It is time to turn this back into our their favor.  Personally, I have discovered two industries that employ young, attractive women that use their assets to sell their products.  Jewelry and Real Estate.

Jewelry

Every woman loves jewelry.  No secret there.  However, a secret many may not realize is that every female jewelry salesperson loves a man that buys jewelry.  You will be the belle of the ball.  Watch her swoon.  She will spend literally hours on you and nobody else (a definite plus to the restaurant industry). She leans over the counter, giggles at your questions, and will touch your arm (third base to a lonely pathetic man).

The simple angle is the purchase for a mother.  Go to any jewelry store and tell the hottest employee that you plan on purchasing something for your mother.  This move is particularly effective if the word "Awwww" makes you melt (or freeze depending on which metaphor you prefer).  This method allows you to flirt back.  Even if you are horrible at it (which if you need this help, you probably are) she will delightfully oblige.  The key, of course, do not make a purchase.  Mention that you are shopping around (your mother is too special to make a quick decision).

Real Estate

Let's face it.  Realtors are hot.  As a matter of fact, any job that allows you to paste your picture on yard signs is one designed for the smoking.  The first benefit to this strategy over the jewelry move is that even if you are blinded by the gorgeous, you will not spend any money.  You are broke.  You cannot buy a house, no matter how hard you try.  With a real estate agent not only do you spend plenty of one on one time with your hottie, she will drive you around in her car.  Its like having a supermodel chauffeur.  While you may not get the counter lean, the absence of a barrier allows for more arm touching.

Disclaimer:  There is absolutely no chance that a jewelry saleswoman or a real estate agent will sleep with you.  Of course, I know you do not believe me, she just touches your arm and smiled (Do I hear wedding bells?).

WTF?!? This Guy Should be Sued for Libel!

How dare they?  The snuggie is the greatest invention of all time.  Why must everybody just hate entrepreneurship?  They even have a stylish snuggie.  You can wear it a lovely gala.  Snuggies featuring your favorite sports team so you can wear it while playing basketball.  Everything.

I'm With Coco

No, not this guy (but, he is awesome).

You know, its nice to see an entertainment story that's actually about entertainment and not other stuff.

The NBC Late Night debacle has proven to be more dramatic than any drama that could replace Jay Leno at 10 PM. First, NBC promises the Tonight Show to Conan O'Brien. Then, Jay Leno decides he wants to stay around so, they give him an hour at 10 PM when they move O'Brien to 11:35 PM. Ratings sink. Leno gets moved back to 11:35 PM for half an hour and O'Brien is expected to play ball after midnight.

First things first. NBC messed up. Their decisions have consistently undermined both hosts' ability to do their jobs. Conan fires back.

It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my “Tonight Show” in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Use whatever acronym you prefer. I am going with Nobody But Conan. Am I basing that off of ratings research, market analysis, or inside information? Nope.

I think Conan is funnier. That's pretty much it. I would like to see Conan O'Brien on television more than Jay Leno. Do you disagree? If you do, congratulations. You're over 40.

Not Not the News I

This story is only funny if you like slapstick humor or hate the media.
Personally, I was excited but, read the headline incorrectly (think one less "P" and an extra "S")

The Gecko is legend. Really, I'm hoping the caveman clubs the duck.

Buy it. Seriously.

Blacker than Obama. And he's Time's No. 2 Elvis impersonator.

Clayton's available. I'm no ginger.

ABC. It means something different to North Carolinians (but maybe not for long).

They needed a few more brunettes. Hello mute button.

The Most Shocking News in the History of the World

Sit down.

Sit your ass down right now.

If you are still standing, I must warn you. This news will cause your legs to go limp and if you are anywhere near a sharp object, you could strike your head and be knocked unconscious. If you are still standing, you must promise this blog that you will not sue us for damages because, you have been warning?

Are you ready?

Mark McGwire.

Used.

Steroids.

Really?

Oh, and rock stars do alright with the ladies.

Bill Gates makes a little money.

Tom was not a huge fan of Jerry.

The cast of Jersey Shore may not qualify for Mensa.

Awareness

Facebook phenomenons. They become ubiquitous and then fade away faster than Lou Bega. Perhaps you have noticed an explosion of one word color statuses. Blue, black, pink, etc...

The explosion was the result of an event to raise awareness of breast cancer. Which adds to my continued annoyance with breast cancer awareness. They make him horny.

Make no mistake. Clayton is not a fan of breast cancer. But, the campaigns related to breast cancer make him feel like a pervert.

Save the Tatas!

Save 2nd Base!

Could we want to find a cure for breast cancer because we value the health of a woman? No! They must appeal to our desire to feel up their...tatas.

Clayton likes tatas. But, he'd prefer to not share that information when he wishes to eradicate a disease.

But, Clayton believes in finding solutions. Raising awareness can be vital to finding a cure. What can he do to help his fellow man?

Well, he turns to a time honored remedy.

Truck nuts.

How can truck nuts help raise awareness you ask?

Simple. Testicular cancer is a serious issue that affects a lot men, probably. Whack off one nut and you have the perfect way to increase awareness of truck nuts.

Genius!!!