-
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
OH NO!
Charlotte is under attack!
By....
EVIL TIGER!!!!
(Thanks Charlotte Observer)
Tiger Woods is in Charlotte for the Quail Hollow Championship. Its some sort of golf tournament that is so good the sponsor pays to not have their name attached to it. Seriously. But, something terrible has happened to Mr. Woods. Some goateed bastard has taken him over. Chaos will rule. Hide your children. I'm not hackneyed enough to make a sex joke.
By....
EVIL TIGER!!!!
(Thanks Charlotte Observer)
Tiger Woods is in Charlotte for the Quail Hollow Championship. Its some sort of golf tournament that is so good the sponsor pays to not have their name attached to it. Seriously. But, something terrible has happened to Mr. Woods. Some goateed bastard has taken him over. Chaos will rule. Hide your children. I'm not hackneyed enough to make a sex joke.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Kitty Report
THAT WAS THE GREATEST WEEKEND EVER FOR THE KITTIES!
Well, except for the Mikecats (I call them Mikecats because, they're the Bobcats named after former owner Bob Johnson and now Michael "my roommate is a douche" Jordan, its clever).
I am talking about the Panthers. They finally drafted a quarterback that is the answer to all of their problems. No, not this guy (Rudy unavailable?). Or this guy.
I mean a legend.
This guy.
Armanti is legend. He was drafted as a wide receiver. He'll probably see most of his snaps there. But, the Panthers have a football player. A damn good football player.
And a new fan.
Well, except for the Mikecats (I call them Mikecats because, they're the Bobcats named after former owner Bob Johnson and now Michael "my roommate is a douche" Jordan, its clever).
I am talking about the Panthers. They finally drafted a quarterback that is the answer to all of their problems. No, not this guy (Rudy unavailable?). Or this guy.
I mean a legend.
This guy.
Armanti is legend. He was drafted as a wide receiver. He'll probably see most of his snaps there. But, the Panthers have a football player. A damn good football player.
And a new fan.
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Chaos of Clayton
Today is Friday. That means you are currently being saturated with cheesy weekend lines. I am sorry about. Your friends should have more fun during the week. Personally, I hate weekends. Sleeping in, drinking, enjoying outdoors, annoying friends...it all sucks. I would much rather tether myself to a desk and perform menial tasks. I know you agree. Did you know the word menial is made up? It doesn't mean anything. Other made up words include farm, sweet potato, and duty.
Hahahaha...duty.
So, you're probably wondering why this is being written. The history of the French Revolution makes for horrible books and movies. I've read Les Miserables and watched Marie Antoinette. They both suck. Pretty sure I spelled all of that correctly but, I wish I didn't. Just to stick to both the book and the movie. Like I said, they're bad.
Seventy-eight percent of Americans do not know the proper times to use you they're, there, and their. Sixty-two percent of all stats are made up on the spot. But, if you say any number with enough vigor, people will buy whatever you say as fact.
That does not work if you are trying to score with a lady.
Women see through your nonsense. Unless you are hot, rich, and smooth. That's why women are less shadow than men. I'm not saying they're not shallow. They most definitely are. But, you have to hit those three shallow nuggets to become attractive to women. You only need the first to work for a man.
Its science.
I stole the previous sentence from Anchorman. People should cite what they write. Every professor I have ever had screamed that at me. The problem with citing things, is rarely do people actually have an orginal thought. Even when you think you do, you probably heard it in your sleep or something.
That osmosis thing doesn't work. Ask any man that sleeps next to a woman if he knows anything about her. So, why do you think putting a book in your pillow will do anything? Does anybody know how to make pillows maintain their fluffiness. My pillow is flat. Fried eggs. I don't expect everybody to get that reference. You see, "fried eggs" is slang for small breasts. Small breasts are often referred to as, "flat." I do not think this is a positive message to send our young women. But, its the world in which we live.
Hahahaha...duty.
So, you're probably wondering why this is being written. The history of the French Revolution makes for horrible books and movies. I've read Les Miserables and watched Marie Antoinette. They both suck. Pretty sure I spelled all of that correctly but, I wish I didn't. Just to stick to both the book and the movie. Like I said, they're bad.
Seventy-eight percent of Americans do not know the proper times to use you they're, there, and their. Sixty-two percent of all stats are made up on the spot. But, if you say any number with enough vigor, people will buy whatever you say as fact.
That does not work if you are trying to score with a lady.
Women see through your nonsense. Unless you are hot, rich, and smooth. That's why women are less shadow than men. I'm not saying they're not shallow. They most definitely are. But, you have to hit those three shallow nuggets to become attractive to women. You only need the first to work for a man.
Its science.
I stole the previous sentence from Anchorman. People should cite what they write. Every professor I have ever had screamed that at me. The problem with citing things, is rarely do people actually have an orginal thought. Even when you think you do, you probably heard it in your sleep or something.
That osmosis thing doesn't work. Ask any man that sleeps next to a woman if he knows anything about her. So, why do you think putting a book in your pillow will do anything? Does anybody know how to make pillows maintain their fluffiness. My pillow is flat. Fried eggs. I don't expect everybody to get that reference. You see, "fried eggs" is slang for small breasts. Small breasts are often referred to as, "flat." I do not think this is a positive message to send our young women. But, its the world in which we live.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
This is Why They Hot...Meghan McCain
Sometimes, you have to explain yourself. Sometimes, you have to explain society. People often question the validity of a celebrity's fame. This includes, but is not limited to: reality television stars; family of actual famous people; and digital media stars. I have taken it upon myself to explain just exactly why these people matter.
Today...
Meghan McCain.
The last name should be familar to you. She is the daughter of Arizona Senator and former Presidential candidate John McCain. She may not make the tabloids like Bristol Palin but, she should.
If you follow politics, you know that her mother is the heiress of a beer distribution fortune.
Her father is a Senator.
Her mother has beer.
Do you realize how much trouble one can get into and then out of, with that kind of access?
Not to mention, her father lost. Nobody cares what she does while the Obama daughters are dreaming about one of the Jonas Brothers.
Oh...there are those other two things you may have noticed in the picture.
Today...
Meghan McCain.
The last name should be familar to you. She is the daughter of Arizona Senator and former Presidential candidate John McCain. She may not make the tabloids like Bristol Palin but, she should.If you follow politics, you know that her mother is the heiress of a beer distribution fortune.
Her father is a Senator.
Her mother has beer.
Do you realize how much trouble one can get into and then out of, with that kind of access?
Not to mention, her father lost. Nobody cares what she does while the Obama daughters are dreaming about one of the Jonas Brothers.
Oh...there are those other two things you may have noticed in the picture.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)